Constructive Feedback or Insult?

Many of my clients have heard me say, “It is everyone’s responsibility as we talk and as we listen to tell the difference between constructive feedback and an insult to one’s character.”

This sentence is usually accompanied by a reference to a conversation between angsty teen Zuko and his uncle Iroh in Avatar: The Last Airbender. Iroh says, “Zuko, you must let go of your feelings of shame if you want your anger to go away.” Zuko replies, “But I don’t feel any shame at all. I’m as proud as ever.” Iroh says, “Prince Zuko, pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame.”

When you embrace the idea that you are imperfect, allowed to make mistakes, and continuing to learn and grow, then you develop a resistance to shame. It is liberating. It allows for receiving constructive feedback without pain and without reacting defensively. Reacting defensively prevents learning and growth, and tends to make other people not want to maintain relationships with you.

Additionally, embracing humility helps us be resistant to insults. By letting go of the drive to convince yourself and others that you are perfect, you can shrug off attacks more easily. One of the better film portrayals of this is in the movie A History of Violence. The son is struggling with bullies at school, and his dad’s advice helps him navigate some of the bullying by being self-deprecating. This is also similar to the rap battle at the end of Eminem’s movie 8 Mile.

On the speaking side, it is important to be careful to word feedback constructively. Focus on what can be improved going forward, and how. There is not much value in just talking about what is wrong, especially if it cannot be changed.

Here is a recent radio show from WHYY with guests Andrea Bonior (psychologist and author) and Christine Porath (professor of management, and author) on this topic of giving and accepting feedback constructively without insult, shame, or defensiveness.